The Michigan Tuxedo

Irrelevant Book Of The Day

2010-07-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.kidswealthandconsequences.com/

Pandora

2010-06-30T20:13:00.000-07:00

I think that Pandora should have a middle choice between thumbs up and thumbs down and it should he a guy shrugging. Jeremy Spoken on my Whipping Post station ehhh I feel very shrug about that. This does bring me to a funny point about Pandora it brings up some random ass shit some time, I'd say i spend about 10.34% of my time thinking "how did you decide that should he in there Pandy (thats the cute lil pet name I have for Pandora). Pandora seems to think I really want to listen to Lily Allen, like a lot, it is not trivially troubling. The worst though is when a downright insulting song comes, there are times when I think to myself "fuck you Pandora how dare you think I would ever want to listen to Something in Your Mouth by Nicklebck or anything else off of the compelation CD The Edge. Your various Pandora stations really say a lot about you. My friend has a Hit Me Baby One More Time station, at some point he sat and thought to himself wow I could really go for some Britney, but pre K-fed Loco Britney, more jail bait fuck me school girl Britney. You can't escape your stations you will be held accountable for them. The bottom line of Pandora is that no matter what music you claim to be into Pandora reads your subconscious to find what you secretly wanna hear. Maybe I should give Lily Allen a chance, I am worried though that she might be slippery slope leading to Josh Groban, eek.

No Ko

2010-06-15T20:22:00.000-07:00

Lesbian

Kim Jung Il claims to shoots 38 under par averaging 11 holes in one

Kim Jung Il has a copy of detox

Kim Jung Il has his schools teach that his birth lead to a spontanious eruption of rainbows and the he doesn't poop

Kim Jung Il injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young

China has a station that rents binoculars to its citizens to view what squalor the North Koreans live in. North Korea makes the perpetual risk of their government executing them seem pretty fucking good.

Terrible Tennis Bros

2010-06-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

Michael Marrup

In high school I had a friend named Mike Marrup, he was a tennis player. He claimed to be about 160 but in reality he was a fat 170, he would say "up top bro!" when he wanted a two handed overhead high-five and would flex his "trap" when ever the song Real Big by Mannie Fresh came on. Woof, his behavior makes me shudder to this day, but as time has gone on and I have seen/interacted with other tennis players I've come to realize it was not his fault. Similar to the way racist childcare's parents are to blame for their bigotry, likely low test scores and and love of Jeff Foxworthy.

quick beer at the tennis courts

Tennis players inherently suck for reasons for which there is no consensus. My theory is that because tennis has waspy roots, they feel entitled and superior in a way that should be reserved only for polo players. This sense of entitlement leads to several unacceptable behaviors. Possibly the worst behavior is their love of the backwards hat, they are the only group of people who still religiously rock the backwards had like its the mid 90's. Another important issue us that they constantly talk about tennis players who are not Venus or Sarina Williams, Federer, or Nadal. Tennis

Normal 0 0 1 278 1588 13 3 1950 11.1287

some hawt get-ups

players are also always dressed like they are ready to throw down, carrying a tennis bag which may contain 12 rackets, short but loose shorts, a neon green tee from a tennis camp they "coached" at, and of course they are walking the generic adidas or nike mesh backwards hat. If they want to dress up a little they may thrown on a nice d-3 football coachesk nike polo. I feel the low point for tennis tools may have came the day I saw a coach at the airport-a place where it used to be expected to dress nicely -wearing black adids shorts a yellow stained adidas sports polo who had a tan on his face from his tightly wrapped Jeff Era Oalkleys. Tennis is producing the worst element of our society.

Ohio Girls

2010-05-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

My dear old mom always wanted me to meet a sweet little Ohio girl and settle down, but she was not aware of the epidemic of orange skin and Ugg boots that is eating away at the gray matter of its victims brains.

Look at these poor girls, scientists beleive the infections caused by hair treatments, natty light, and spray tans has begun to erode the Myelin Sheath (which for those unfamiliar with neuro-science insulates connections between neurons so they can communicate faster).

Yes these poor girls addiction to "fashion" and looking "sexy" is literally slowing down their brains. As Ohio girls begin to converge into one person as is evident below, this disease will continue to degrade their brain function.

clones?

Looking into the eyes of the of the victims of this disease is like looking into a black hole, vapid and dark. The slowing of brain function causes these poor girl's causes all sorts of side effects. They think Dane Cook is really funny, the music of Rascal Flatts and Sugarland is really good, and love to compare their intelligence to that of 5th grader as often as possible.

But what happens to these girls when they grown up? They are cursed to a life where the pain of thought forces them to become exceedingly generic. The couple above are real they are not simply the stock photo of a picture frame. This poor woman has lost so much signal speed in her brain due to years of "beauty" abuse, that her brain can not work fast enough to form her own identity, she is instead an amalgamation of reality T.V., US weekly, and Lifetime movies. This is sadly, the state of women in Ohio and sadly women across much of the country.

Poor Labron

2010-05-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.terezowens.com/exclusive-lebrons-teammate-sleeping-with-his-mom/

I suppose this means LBJ is gonna leave the Cleve for good.

Why I Love IMDB

2010-05-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

I love IMDB because it is like that friend you abandoned in high school to go hang out with the cool kids who will never forget where you came from. Take for instance Alison Brie, budding starlet of Mad Men and Community, very beautful and talented enough to play the infertile Trudy Campbell and the the goofy innocent Annie Edison on Community. But IMDB will make sure we never forget that she was in a movie called "Hot Sluts" which is described by IMDB as:

"Endless cleavage, bitchy girl fights, and an 800-pound disco ball. All in one slutty nightclub"

Wow I am sure it was tastefully done. While my attempts to find this movie over the internet have failed (try searching Hot Sluts movie on google) I think it is safe to assume it is of the same quality as "Sex Pot" or "18 Year Old Virgin". 18 Year Old Virgin's tagline is: will Kattie give it up or give up?, fucking woof. But I digress while Alison Brie seems quite nice and plesant there are some people who need to read their IMDB more often to be reminded of where they came from.

Jamie Foxx: While Ray is a good film I think the academy award was more a tribute to Ray Charles than a testament to the acting chops of one Jamie Foxx. He should remind himself that in consecutive years he made "Booty Call" and "The Players Club".

Sean Penn: Great actor, but needs to remember the wise words of Spicoli, "All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buds, and I'm fine."

Jennifer Aniston: She is actually the inverse of Jammie Foxx, started off ok, but she needs to look at where her IMDB is going, she is becoming nothing more than "the girl" in movies. Although she was never that great I'd like to think she can do better than "The Bounty Hunter" (vom). Hopefully s dose of Jeff Goldblum and Jason Bateman will put her back on the right track.

Woof

lessons of the winter

2010-05-09T22:47:00.000-07:00

So the winter has ended which is the best basically because much less is left to the imagination (via beach apparel) and that's nice. This winter was an especially insightful for me as I drove cross country and moved to a new city. So here are some of the things I learned this winter.

1) 30% of congressmen are on twitter. I can imagine very few things worse than reading 140 character blerbs about the legislative process, proof is in the pudding though.

RT @SenateBanker: Dodd says on floor he will co-sponsor Sanders Amendmnt with a change to protect Fed independence. 2:47 PM May 6th via TweetDeck
- Reply
- Retweet
The President announced he will honor their accomplishment and meet with the team on May 17th 2:36 PM May 6th via TweetDeck
- Reply
- Retweet
Proud to see that the NCAA champion UConn women's basketball team will be returning to the White House for the second straight year. 2:32 PM May 6th via TweetDeck
- Reply
- Retweet
Retweet

Speaking on the Senate Floor - Dodd hopes we can vote on the Boxer Amdmt at 11:30 and the Dodd/Shelby Agreement at 12:30. 6:41 AM May 5th via TweetDeck
RT @SenateBanker: Dodd asks that the Senate come in early, work late, maybe even weekends, to debate Wall Street reform.
@LydBlnkfine: fuck you I know your a lying sleezy cocksucker who played a huge role in killing the economy

well number 6 I made up but I wish ol' Dodd's twitter was more candid, this is like reading his schedule and a condensed version of his platform ie. it is as fun and exciting as reading a dictionary.

2) The Kansas City Deaf Cultural Center is very very loud.

3) It is very easy to become a national hero in Poland. During the winter olympics a woman form Poland won the 10k women's x-country skiing event. Possibly the most boring sport at the winter Olympics. At least curling is self aware that it is not a real sport, but this is just fucking terrible

Also how little does Poland have going for it if this woman, a cross country skier, can be a national hero. Are there no more exciting people in Poland? No more inspiring people in Poland? it is sad that they don't have any great athletes/role models like LT or Ben Rothlesburger (not going to bother to find out how to spell that scumbags name correctly) to look up to. But hey first to fight, some how first to loose is left out that slogan of Polish pride.

4) There are no special winter Olympics, I am sure that there is some kid out there with an extra chromosome who would really love to be a ski jumper or super g alpine skier.

5) Kansas' self proclaimed number one museum is in Chanute and is dedicated to displaying the treasures of Osa and Martin Johonson the first family to go on sifari and film it. This museum is actually nothing more than an old lady sitting at a desk who puts in a 15 min. history channel vhs about them. Then you get to go on an unguided tour of a like 50 tribal masks and 7 stuffed animals. But I did get to meet the curator who was extremely nice and subtly raceist kind of way. Who would have thought that the #1 museum in a state that doesn't teach evolution would be in a library annex in the middle of nowhere.

Those are my winter lessons, expect lessons from the other seasons as well.

Biker Boiz

2010-05-02T18:14:00.001-07:00

Oh hey bro how was the Tour de France or was it the Giro d'Italia or do you just look like an anorexic clown because your wearing a brightly colored spandex body suit. It may be shocking to learn that it is possible to effectively exercise on a bike with out looking like an even more gay Lance Armstrong, at least a team of professional brand managers chose his terrible bike cloths for him. But you guy who takes his status as a recreational bike rider do not, you just look like an asshole.

I only hope that one day I too can overcome cancer then leave my wife for a C-list celeb

At least I can sleep at night knowing that your sperm count is being lowered with each hour of "intense" Mountain Dew-esk "training" you do. The funny thing about riding bikes is how little specialized equipment is necessary for the act. Unlike base jumping or scuba diving very little specialized equipment is necessary, as it turns out the technicolored spandex unitard and shoes that attach to the peddles are entirely unnecessary and look super fucking ridiculous. It is really easy to just go riding in a pair of gym shorts and an old T, you don't have to dress up like the malnourished brother of one of the Under Armor bros to ride a bike, but hey live strong bro, lord knows I am, I've got the bracelet to prove it.

http://www.cyclingforboomers.com/

2010-05-01T21:30:00.001-07:00

This was shocking because I always thought gay men were really sublte

Why I hate Taz

2010-04-24T23:21:00.001-07:00

First off, fuck your bitch and the click you claim. Second off, Taz ain't hard baby.

Fact: Taz in one loony tunes episode agreed to marry Bugs bunny who was descized as a female taz.

Conclusion: Taz is gay.

Fact: Taz is crazy: I mean that's great and all, but crazy does not mean hard. There are plenty of soft ass crazy bros out there, but I ain't scared of none of em.

Conclusion: Crazy does not equal hard

Fact: dizzy devil is some sort of spawn of Taz

Conclusion: the mere fact that mongoloid child thing is related to Taz makes Taz soft as shit. He could not even raise a hard ass kid because shit was not real enough in the Taz household to toughen that little shit up.

So to all the fucking bros with your don't tread on me Taz tatoos/bumper stickers, turn the Nickle Back down on your ipod and sit on it.

Things that are way too intense

2010-04-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

1)

Umm, lets cool our jets history channel, all of the slow-mo hammering and bullets being fired and sounds of people landing on the moon dude getting an oil shower...it's all just a bit much, lets cool it with the terrible animation where only part of the scene is in color. your the history channel not a kid with his first photo editing software. It's OK to have content and incite w/o spending hours on masturbatory animations.

2)

NO ONE EVER DIES...the captains make the right decision almost every time, and as it turns out watching people work 50 hour days gets really old after a while. They bring in gear, smoke, fight, get hit by big waves, I've seen and am done with it...Call me back when they can fill my hedonistic desires with death.

3) http://www.rockstar69.com/
pretty much any energy drink is just too much, but this really takes the coke. What kind of overly sexualized tween did they have come up with the domain name. I will admit that when i created my first hotmail account when I was like 13 I 69 in it cuz I thought it was cool, but then a week later I realized how ridiculously terrible it was. This is how I imagine their target audience reacts to this

Bro 1: hey bra I was just on the Travis Pastrana website and it broght me a link to this totally ill web site.

Bro 2: oh mad chill brahhh whats it called?!!

Bro 1: Rockstar69.com

Bro 2: 69 fucking awesome, I love eating pussy bro, call me the pussy monster right!!!

Bro 1: Fuck yeah you and me fucking kill it in the clubbbbzzz, all them sluts want on our shit.

Bro 2: You know what I'm thinking?

Bro 1: Damn diggity right dude

Bro 2: you, me, a bottle of Jeager, 4 RockStar 69's and the finest tail Fresno has to offer

both hi-five

4)

Wow, JC bro must have blood pressure of like 1000. He does make me question my self, I have never felt that passionately about anything, and he is constantly about to have a heart attack, but then again I can relax and he is tight like something that would be in poor taste even for the internet.

BF vs. NC: who is worse?

2010-04-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

At a recent viewing of She's Out of My League I saw a preview for The Sorcerers Apprentice staring Nicolas Cage. I naturally thought this would be the worst movie to come out this summer until I saw a preview for Furry Vengeance staring my close personal friend* Brendan Fraser. I became confused, how are two Pledge This quality movies being released in theaters? But this lead to an even more important question, who is worse, the ever greasy Nic Cage or my best bro B-Fras. Well looking at their respective rottentomatoes.com indicies Nic gets an average rating of 54%, really blasting B away with his paltry 24%, but this does not tell the whole story, the real story comes in the peaks and valleys of their careers. Largely the Frasmeister has been making terrible movies his whole career, Encino Man, Airheads, and all 19 mummy movies have been predictably painful but are prototypical of B's body of work.

Nicky on the other hand has been all over the place, he was H.I. in Raising Arizona but he was also in Ghost Rider, he was the tragic cool arms dealer in Lord of War but he also made two National Treasure 1&2.

It's painful, he is like a really hot girl who is also a huge tease where as B-Fras is like that homely but slutty girl. At least with The Fras you know your gonna get laid, all you have to do is send her a nice text asking her to come over and bam! your satisfied, but not proud. But with lil' Nicky you get all excited because she is wearing some low-cut forever 21 top and a mini skirt, you take her out to the Olive Garden but you get stopped rounding first in the backseat of your Focus. Nic Cage teased us all with flashes of being a good actor and that makes it all the worse to watch him make so many unbearable movies. So kudos The Frasenator for your consistency, you realized that you are a B actor at best and ran with it, and if people are willing to pay 10 bucks to see Furry Vengeance all the power to you.

*I am not actually friends with Brendan Fraser

The three worst places to take a date in the greater L.A. area

2010-04-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

1) The Museum of Tolerance

2) The La Brea Tar Pits

3) Gardena

Cell Phone Reception

2010-04-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

As a person who hates most nouns, hate has really lost its luster for me, but there are some acts that really get me fired up. One of those things is people who hold their cell phones to the sky to try to get better reception. First of all that is not how cell reception works, cell phone reception is broadcast through towers which broadcast radially so you could extend your arm in any direction towards the tower and you would get the same effect. Secondly, even if communication satellites did directly broadcast the signal to you, communication satellites orbit 117,337,440 fucking feet above the earth, so extending your arm towards the sky brings you apportionment .0000000256% closer to the satellite. There are no instruments in the world that I know of that are precise to the ten billionth decimal place so thinking that three feet on a scale of hundreds of millions of feet will make a difference is the most fucking retarded thing ever. I guess the real problem I have with this is how poorly people seem to understand scale or the way things work.

look at these two fucktards

In a world where the first paragraph of a subjects Wikipedia page will tell you basically anything you need to know about it, there is no excuse to stand around looking like an extra in independence day watching the alien weapon blow up a building.

2010-03-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

SkateJoshSkate_ RT @7_Seven_3: #IJustWannaKnowWhy you didn't bother to get a pedicure before you decided to wear those sandals. #NotAGoodLook half a minute ago from Twittelator

SkateJoshSkate_ RT @KLDRUMS1985: #ijustwannaknowwhy U talk abt everybody elses mother but as soon as somebody says something abt urs u ready to fight. stop being a mamasboy

SkateJoshSkate_ RT @_sandi: #nodisrespectbut #ijustwannaknowwhy your face looks like that?

MLPR@SkateJoshSkate_ #IJustWannaKnowWhy you are the worst

2010-03-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.visitmootopia.com/

Who would have thought that a land where milk is water would have so many suggestive showers and cat fights. Are they suggesting that I wash my hair with milk? On the bottom of the website it says “all will be revealed 4.5.10,” what could possibly be revealed? I did not know they were even hiding anything. This commercial is not make it obvious that there is secret just weird angry sexual innuendo. What ever it is I will be anxiously awaiting 4.5.10. Maybe they are releasing some kind of milk based hair/coat product, or maybe they discovered that milk is some kind of aphrodisiac, or maybe they will be giving away free milk!? There is nothing better than cool glass of skim on a temperate day. A man can only dream.

Frivolouslawsuithan

2010-03-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan has filed a lawsuit against e*trade the financial firm known for their commercials that imply that infants have sex and successfully manage portfolios. What is important to take away form this is that Lindsay Lohan is out of touch in a way that only matched Weezy on syrup knows.

1) she is demanding 50m $ in compensatory damages (compensation for damages and harm she suffered from the commercials) and 50m $ in exemplary damages (payment to deter others from engaging in similar behavior). For a “woman” known for a weird lesbian relationship, rehab, slutty pix and being generally washed up, to say that CGI’d babies who may or may not “invoke her likeness” is damaging to her character is like Ed Wood suing Scorsazy for making his movies seem worse by contrast.

2) Lindsay’s lawyer is making the claim Lohan has the same level of celebrity as Oprah or Madonna. This can be refuted by the simple fact that MS word spell check will correct a misspelling of Oprah but does not recognize Lohan.

When I imagine what is driving LL’s behavior the image of a dying animal lying in pain, struggling to take its last breaths, bleeding out, but still able to swat at you if you approach it. She is trying so hard stay famous and relevant/find new sources of fame and money but you can tell the fight is fading from her fame bleeds out and she strougles to breath the oxygen of attention she once found so abundant, she is really just asking to be put out of her misery.

A Judy Jetson Documentary (via Yeasayer)

2010-03-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Yeasayer "ONE" By: Radical Friend from ODDBLOOD on Vimeo.

If Judy Jetson were real and had diverse friends (we all know that there are no black people in the future though) and she partied hard (which she did, George was pretty intolerable) this video would be her life.

Honesty

2010-03-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

http://www.drphil.com/videos/?Url=/house/flv/8021_3.flv&background=header_drphil_video.jpg

I was napping at my grandmothers house and awoke to her watching an episode of Dr. Phil and this clip is from that episode. Sadly I could not find the clip of the creepy guy with a pony tail revealing that his worse lie was telling a woman his dog died to get out of a date and the woman who shockingly told the audience that her biggest lie was that she faked an orgasm to bring sex to an end (via female cliche). The most shocking part of any of this was that the woman turned out to be creepy ponytail guy's grand ma, a revelation that made me feel like I a NAMBLA convention. This leads me to the Dr. Phil clip I have posted above, really Dr. Phil that was your worst lie. That was not even a lie more of an instance when your old man caught you being an idiot. Really, you did not notice a flat tire? I don't care that he was 13, if you've been a passenger in a car you should be able to tell that something is horribly wrong. But the real issue I have with this the entire discussion of truth. People always bring up there most trivial lie when asked about the the worst lie they ever told. I want to hear someone say "well Dr. Phil the worst thing I've ever lied about is being the murderer of Jonbenet Ramsey, instead of fessing up about it I started a smear campaign against her parents to displace the suspicion form me to them." I would be satisfied with that, not some BS about how the worst "lie" you've ever told was that when you were 14 and your mom asked if you stole 10$ from her purse you said that you didn't when you really did.

2010-03-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

The Last Song is certain to be Hannah Montana's break out roll. You can tell from the trailer that this movie is going to be very compelling. I am sure that I will be so lost in the character and alternate reality she creates and forget that I am watching uber tween Miley Montana, a young woman whose talent barely exceeds that of New York of Flavor of Love fame. The only thing phenomenal a about her is that she makes us realize that Billy Ray is a genius manager. To take that talent black hole of a daughter and make her a monetarily successful pop icon is an feat on par with Caravaggio's "The Incredulity of Saint Thomas" or Einstein's theory of relativity.

2010-03-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

Are they implying that one or more of the babies is sexually promiscuous. This is really pushing the limits of what material is acceptable to do with little kids

2010-03-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

Black people everywhere should be offended that McDonald's thinks this will get them to buy chicken nuggets

2010-02-25T21:32:00.000-08:00

Two guys in chicken suits are really worried about acne ruining their dates?

2010-02-24T19:24:00.001-08:00

JACKIE CHAIN "SNAP'N" music. video. from THE SIXSENSE FOUNDATION on Vimeo.

This video by Huntsville Alabama raper Jackie Chain is pretty amazing...especially the line about snap'n at pop-eyes if your meat ain't right

2010-02-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

Umm even with all of those great uses at no point do I feel my ''trekking" experience will be enhanced by having a nice sturdy pole in hand. Also maybe just consider carrying less shit instead of enlisting the aid of the most trivial contraptions of all time

2010-02-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

MTV Shows

This is what the worst possible blind date would be like.

2010-01-30T11:38:00.000-08:00

]

Its comforting to know that people in Paris, India, and Australia do the same potty dance as we do in the states. Some things are universal I guess.

2010-01-26T14:15:00.000-08:00

How much do I and every other 20-something I know need this shit

KISS at the NYSE

2010-01-25T15:11:00.000-08:00

It's about time the brains started calling the shots in the market.

2010-01-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

Taco Bell the company which puts an additional layer of nacho cheese in as many of its offerings as possible is now claiming to be part of a reasonable weight loss regiment. Nope.

2009-12-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

A "Friends" status
is on the last day of my mini vacation with my girlfriends!!! no phone or men and lots of vodka and pizza and cookies and burritos and soda and chips and sex and the city=amazing. =)=)

fucking woof

2009-12-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

What the hell was that. It was almost as bad as the commercial where Puff Daddy (yes I still call him Puff Daddy) is ridding a jet ski in a tuxedo. Perfume commercials are pretty much the worst.

2009-12-23T22:08:00.000-08:00

Some one actually spent a portion of their life writing this

2009-12-23T21:43:00.001-08:00

Try less hard