Terrible Tennis Bros

Michael Marrup

In high school I had a friend named Mike Marrup, he was a tennis player. He claimed to be about 160 but in reality he was a fat 170, he would say "up top bro!" when he wanted a two handed overhead high-five and would flex his "trap" when ever the song Real Big by Mannie Fresh came on. Woof, his behavior makes me shudder to this day, but as time has gone on and I have seen/interacted with other tennis players I've come to realize it was not his fault. Similar to the way racist childcare's parents are to blame for their bigotry, likely low test scores and and love of Jeff Foxworthy.

quick beer at the tennis courts

Tennis players inherently suck for reasons for which there is no consensus. My theory is that because tennis has waspy roots, they feel entitled and superior in a way that should be reserved only for polo players. This sense of entitlement leads to several unacceptable behaviors. Possibly the worst behavior is their love of the backwards hat, they are the only group of people who still religiously rock the backwards had like its the mid 90's. Another important issue us that they constantly talk about tennis players who are not Venus or Sarina Williams, Federer, or Nadal. Tennis

Normal 0 0 1 278 1588 13 3 1950 11.1287

some hawt get-ups

players are also always dressed like they are ready to throw down, carrying a tennis bag which may contain 12 rackets, short but loose shorts, a neon green tee from a tennis camp they "coached" at, and of course they are walking the generic adidas or nike mesh backwards hat. If they want to dress up a little they may thrown on a nice d-3 football coachesk nike polo. I feel the low point for tennis tools may have came the day I saw a coach at the airport-a place where it used to be expected to dress nicely -wearing black adids shorts a yellow stained adidas sports polo who had a tan on his face from his tightly wrapped Jeff Era Oalkleys. Tennis is producing the worst element of our society.

Ohio Girls

My dear old mom always wanted me to meet a sweet little Ohio girl and settle down, but she was not aware of the epidemic of orange skin and Ugg boots that is eating away at the gray matter of its victims brains.


Look at these poor girls, scientists beleive the infections caused by hair treatments, natty light, and spray tans has begun to erode the Myelin Sheath (which for those unfamiliar with neuro-science insulates connections between neurons so they can communicate faster).

Yes these poor girls addiction to "fashion" and looking "sexy" is literally slowing down their brains. As Ohio girls begin to converge into one person as is evident below, this disease will continue to degrade their brain function.

clones?

Looking into the eyes of the of the victims of this disease is like looking into a black hole, vapid and dark. The slowing of brain function causes these poor girl's causes all sorts of side effects. They think Dane Cook is really funny, the music of Rascal Flatts and Sugarland is really good, and love to compare their intelligence to that of 5th grader as often as possible.



But what happens to these girls when they grown up? They are cursed to a life where the pain of thought forces them to become exceedingly generic. The couple above are real they are not simply the stock photo of a picture frame. This poor woman has lost so much signal speed in her brain due to years of "beauty" abuse, that her brain can not work fast enough to form her own identity, she is instead an amalgamation of reality T.V., US weekly, and Lifetime movies. This is sadly, the state of women in Ohio and sadly women across much of the country.

Poor Labron

http://www.terezowens.com/exclusive-lebrons-teammate-sleeping-with-his-mom/

I suppose this means LBJ is gonna leave the Cleve for good.

Why I Love IMDB

I love IMDB because it is like that friend you abandoned in high school to go hang out with the cool kids who will never forget where you came from. Take for instance Alison Brie, budding starlet of Mad Men and Community, very beautful and talented enough to play the infertile Trudy Campbell and the the goofy innocent Annie Edison on Community. But IMDB will make sure we never forget that she was in a movie called "Hot Sluts" which is described by IMDB as:

"Endless cleavage, bitchy girl fights, and an 800-pound disco ball. All in one slutty nightclub"

Wow I am sure it was tastefully done. While my attempts to find this movie over the internet have failed (try searching Hot Sluts movie on google) I think it is safe to assume it is of the same quality as "Sex Pot" or "18 Year Old Virgin". 18 Year Old Virgin's tagline is: will Kattie give it up or give up?, fucking woof. But I digress while Alison Brie seems quite nice and plesant there are some people who need to read their IMDB more often to be reminded of where they came from.

Jamie Foxx: While Ray is a good film I think the academy award was more a tribute to Ray Charles than a testament to the acting chops of one Jamie Foxx. He should remind himself that in consecutive years he made "Booty Call" and "The Players Club".



Sean Penn: Great actor, but needs to remember the wise words of Spicoli, "All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buds, and I'm fine."

Jennifer Aniston: She is actually the inverse of Jammie Foxx, started off ok, but she needs to look at where her IMDB is going, she is becoming nothing more than "the girl" in movies. Although she was never that great I'd like to think she can do better than "The Bounty Hunter" (vom). Hopefully s dose of Jeff Goldblum and Jason Bateman will put her back on the right track.

Woof

lessons of the winter

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Biker Boiz

Oh hey bro how was the Tour de France or was it the Giro d'Italia or do you just look like an anorexic clown because your wearing a brightly colored spandex body suit. It may be shocking to learn that it is possible to effectively exercise on a bike with out looking like an even more gay Lance Armstrong, at least a team of professional brand managers chose his terrible bike cloths for him. But you guy who takes his status as a recreational bike rider do not, you just look like an asshole.

I only hope that one day I too can overcome cancer then leave my wife for a C-list celeb

At least I can sleep at night knowing that your sperm count is being lowered with each hour of "intense" Mountain Dew-esk "training" you do. The funny thing about riding bikes is how little specialized equipment is necessary for the act. Unlike base jumping or scuba diving very little specialized equipment is necessary, as it turns out the technicolored spandex unitard and shoes that attach to the peddles are entirely unnecessary and look super fucking ridiculous. It is really easy to just go riding in a pair of gym shorts and an old T, you don't have to dress up like the malnourished brother of one of the Under Armor bros to ride a bike, but hey live strong bro, lord knows I am, I've got the bracelet to prove it.

http://www.cyclingforboomers.com/

This was shocking because I always thought gay men were really sublte